


Distract With Facts

by Soupy_George



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1974, Canon Compliant, Hedgehog Porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2014-01-07
Packaged: 2018-01-07 22:31:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1125163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soupy_George/pseuds/Soupy_George
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A 169 mini-prequel: Remus and Sirius would argue about whose fault it was for the rest of their lives. Hagrid just wanted to talk about hedgehogs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Distract With Facts

* * *

 

Sirius Black was bored. This was not particularly surprising, considering he was trapped in an afternoon double period of History of Magic, where, as usual, Professor Binns was wheezing on at the front of the class about … well who knew what? Sirius certainly didn't know, or care. The ghost had most probably been the inspiration for the phrase 'bored to death'. Unfortunately, he was coming dangerously close to paying attention, simply because there was nothing else in the room to take his interest.

Sirius looked wistfully out the window. Would the one-story fall would be enough? No, probably not; he would just get a detention for skiving off, and have a broken leg or something equally tame. He humphed to himself. Death by splattering, while appealing at the present moment, obviously wasn't the answer; it was slightly too permanent, Sirius decided.

He normally had no issue with boredom during History of Magic, because normally he would be enjoying a very refreshing nap, lulled off to sleep by the white noise that was the Professors waffling voice. Today, however, he was awake - annoyingly alert, in fact - and wishing for some form of distraction. It was awful. He wanted to suspect his dormmates of spiking his lunchtime juice with some kind of awareness enhancement, but nobody had stayed awake to witness the results, so it probably wasn't a prank; James was snoring contentedly beside him, his face pillowed on his crooked arm, and Peter was whiffling slightly as he snoozed at the desk in front of him. Sirius sighed jealously. Perhaps he needed to stay up later in the evenings so he could be the proper amount of tired History of Magic required - it would be the responsible thing to do. Otherwise he would be forced to amuse himself, and who knew what that might lead to?

At the desk next to Peter, Remus was not asleep, but scribbling dutifully. 'Psst,' Sirius hissed at his only conscious friend. Remus's quill stilled for a moment but, he did not turn around. _'Psst,'_ Sirius tried again. In a sudden quick flash of movement, Remus left a tiny folded up piece of parchment lying on Sirius's empty desk. He unfolded it, glad that Remus had given in.

_I'm taking notes – notes which you will want to read in exactly ten weeks' time! If you want to fail and not be able to get into fourth year then that's fine with me, but I would quite like to pass. Wake up James if you're bored._

Sirius grimaced. There was no point arguing with Remus when he put his foot down, and as the alternative was take his own notes or fail, both highly unappealing options, Sirius resorted to jabbing James in the arm with the sharp end of his quill.

'Bugger off,' his friend grunted. Sirius stabbed him again; his quill left a large blue blotch on James's arm, but garnered no more response. Sirius gave the window ledge one last longing look and then put his head in his arms in defeat; he would try sleep again, because really, what was the point of making trouble if there was no one awake to appreciate it?

* * *

The coming weekend was the very best of the month in Sirius's opinion; at thirteen days since the last full moon and fifteen till the next, Remus was in top form, and Remus in top form was something brilliant. The young werewolf was full of energy and the restlessness that came with being fourteen and the knowledge he would start to feel a bit rubbish in a week or so, and ready to make the most of being healthy. As such he would be bored of usual Remusish activities (reading, chess, more reading, lounging, and, at a stretch, homework) almost as easily as Sirius and James, and was much easier to coerce into joining in on the two more daring boys' latest pastime: Exploration. Peter would come along any time if they asked, but it was always better when it was all four of them. One team, whether two or three, got much less discovered than two pairs.

They had decided to spend their third year learning as much about Hogwarts castle as possible, mainly because it was much easier to escape from cantankerous caretakers and pissed off poltergeists if you knew more than one safe route – and they did seem to spend a lot of their time running these days. ('Good for the heart,' James always insisted, as they arrived into safety wheezing and laughing, but Sirius just preferred being a bit puffed to the alternative: detention) The other reason exploration was great was because they needed a decent law-breaking hobby. While their other top secret vocation – learning to become Animagi – _sounded_ fabulously illegal and exciting, it honestly wasn't at the moment. All they did was sit about reading, hardly an appropriate use of their time when they were mischievous young men destined to go down in Hogwarts history. Well, Sirius and James both hoped so anyway.

* * *

When Saturday dawned, the sky was a cheerful overcast grey. Nothing would dampen Sirius's spirits today, he thought after he'd pulled back his curtains to get a view out the dormitory window and took in the slight mist drifting past the glass. Why Scotland wasn't aware that May meant _less_ rain Sirius wasn't quite sure but it certainly seemed to have missed that owl. At fourteen and a half, Sirius still deviated between waking early like a youthful sprite, and being unable to pry his eyes apart before noon like any self-respecting teenager; he was very thankful to be channelling his adolescence this morning. There was much planning to do today.

The last nine months spent on learning the castle and its many confusing floors had given the boys a very thorough knowledge of the place - and as ever, once they understood it, it became boring. Sirius's new plan would definitely keep them occupied for the next few weeks: the grounds. Or more specifically, the forest. The Forbidden Forest. Sirius didn't think he ever come across a place with a more promising name. Just saying it made him smile a little. _Forbidden!_ Brilliant. Things at Hogwarts were only off limits if there was a good reason and Sirius really wanted to find out what this good reason was. Terrifying beasts and treacherous booby traps no doubt, he grinned into his pillow as he thought - as he had so many times before _\- brilliant_.

Sirius rolled away from the window and to face the next bed over – Remus's – which showed no obvious signs of life. He reached off the edge of his own bed, searching for some sort of projectile to help him discover if he was the only one awake. Yesterday's socks were a suitable, if slightly smelly, tool; there _was_ a copy of _Numerology and Gramatica,_ but he didn't want to annoy Remus, and damaging a book against his possibly-sleeping head was a sure way to put Remus in a grouch. So, Sirius balled up the socks and lobbed the smelly but soft weapon with decent force at the next set of heavy red curtains. His aim was very good; the sock ball flew through the air, hit the divide in the drapes, and disappeared from view.

It was quiet for a moment and then Remus's croaky morning voice said, 'What did I ever do to you?'

Sirius grinned - company! 'Well it was either the socks or your runes book so I thought you'd be proud of me.'

The curtain moved and Remus's face appeared in the gap. His hair was sleep-mussed but he looked much more alert than Sirius would have expected. 'It just shows how low my expectations are, that I actually am.' He tilted his head towards the other side of the room. 'James and Pete still asleep? '

Sirius nodded. 'Yup, lazy sods.' He could see onto Remus's bed as the werewolf held his curtains apart; the mattress was covered in books. 'How long have you been awake, then?'

'A wee while,' Remus replied with a glance at the collection of reading material. 'I had an idea when I was in the hospital wing last moon, and I needed to do a bit of preparation before I decided if it would work or not.' He wore a contemplative expression as he added, 'I think it will though. I mean, we need something more reliable that sodding _running.'_

'More reliable than running for what?' Sirius asked. While he was happy to be awake early, it was a bit much to require his brain to figure out riddles before he'd had breakfast.

'For getting out of trouble,' Remus said, 'or at least for reducing the sentence. I mean, it wouldn't work on Peeves, but it _might_ be a help with Filch… but I thought that if we had a strategy at least for the situations that involved rational adults, we might be able to get yours and James's detentions down to one a week.'

Sirius decided that, early or not, this was probably worth listening to; while it would be nice to sit through fewer detentions, it was equally important to relieve Remus's guilt about how many more detentions Sirius collected than Remus. They currently tended to hide Remus and Pete under the cloak if the group was about to be caught; it wasn't a selfless act, because having two of them with much cleaner records was very useful at times, but Sirius knew Remus felt uncomfortable with the situation. Remus already thought his friends were doing too much for him with their ambitious plans to become Animagi in the hope that it would keep the wolf distracted and give him less time to hurt himself at full moons. Sirius didn't really see what the big deal was - of course he, James and Peter would do everything they could to help Remus's suffering, he was their friend, and if you couldn't break the law for your mates then what was the point in living at all? Remus didn't quite see it that way, but while all they did was research he couldn't really argue.

Even though Remus had at least eight books laid out across his bed, Sirius came to the conclusion that this 'strategy' would probably be at least somewhat fun, given that it was anti-moon weekend. He snagged the heavy runes text from the floor and chucked it across the room at James's bed, ignoring Remus's scowl as he did so. There was a grunt from the curtained confines, and then the crimson hangings twitched violently and the book reappeared, hurtling sideways from James's bed to Peter's, where it made a rather sickeningly solid clunk of hard-bound cover colliding with flesh.

Remus tutted as he tidied his books away and got out of bed, but when Sirius looked at him he was restraining a grin. 'I need breakfast before I try and convince you lot of this,' he said as he pulled on his trainers hurriedly, having somehow managed to switch his pyjamas for weekend worthy jeans and cardigan while Sirius was distracted with his book flinging and the subsequent injuries.

As Sirius yanked on his own jeans and searched for a top half that hadn't been crumpled into a ball and living under his bed, Sirius could hear Peter insisting that James had blinded him with the violent morning greeting. Excellent.

* * *

The four friends entered the great hall half an hour later, James and Sirius laughing at Peter, who was still complaining about nearly losing an eye to a very heavy book. Sirius chuckled all the harder when Remus laid a hand on Peter's shoulder as they took seats at the Gryffindor table and said 'Never mind Pete - just think, you'll get a cool bruise, and those two idiots will be jealous of all the attention you get.'

Peter smiled at this and said, 'That's true. You'll have to help me come up with a story to go with it. A book in the face while sleeping is hardly impressive,'

Remus nodded, 'Good point,' he said slowly, obviously trying to think of something believable yet dashingly heroic and brave.

Sirius grinned enthusiastically as he loaded his plate with scrambled eggs. 'I know what you can say Pete,' he said, waving the eggy serving spoon in illustration, 'say that you got in a fight with some horrendously frightening beast in the forest!'

James, who had been busily applying himself to his kippers and eggs frowned, 'No one would believe that! People know that even _we_ aren't mental enough to go in the forest at night.'

Sirius let the large spoon drop with a clang against its silver dish, sending a little wave of scrambled eggs over the edge and onto the white table cloth as it did so. His eyes narrowed slightly as he looked at his messy-haired friend in disbelief. 'Well we can hardly go during the _day_ , someone will see us.'

Remus coughed; apparently the marmalading of his toast was something that required his full attention as he spoke to it rather than his friends, 'Er, I would say that as it's a _made up_ story it wouldn't really matter when we go because the point is that we didn't, we just said we did, or Pete did anyway.'

'But…' Sirius said, feeling put out, 'but then, what are we going to do tonight? I'm sick of the castle, we know it all now…'

James looked at him, his eyes a little wider than usual behind his glasses. 'Are you saying that when you suggested we start on the grounds, you meant the _forest_?

Sirius nodded. 'Well yeah, I mean, what else cool is there? Hagrid's, the lake, the greenhouses and the forest - obviously the forest is the most interesting and the most in need of some proper exploration.'

James's eyebrows went up. 'You reckon?'

'Don't be a chicken, Potter,' Sirius grumbled. If James didn't agree they probably wouldn't be going at all.

'I'm not,' James insisted, 'I just sort of like being alive and stuff. But you're right,' he said with a conspiring glance at Sirius, 'there must be some awesome stuff in there, it wouldn't be out of bounds otherwise. And really, how bad can it be?'

* * *

'I take it back,' James mumbled from somewhere in line with Sirius's right knee, 'it could be quite bad.'

Sirius sniggered to himself as Remus said, 'Sorry James, I didn't mean to hit you, but you really shouldn't jump out like that, Peter's squeal made me flinch.'

'I didn't _squeal_ ,' Peter said indignantly, 'it was a manly noise.'

'A manly noise of terror,' Sirius snorted. 'It's okay Pete,' he added as he reached a hand down to help up the fallen James who was rubbing his jaw and frowning at Remus. 'I'd be scared too if his ugly mug popped out of nowhere.'

They had been in the remarkably unexciting forest for nearly an hour now. At first the darkness and the unknown had been enough to make their minds interpret the quiet noises of the undergrowth as fierce creatures ready to attack, and the boys had walked closely together, lit wands scanning all around for the first glint of a demonic red eye or multi-clawed paws slashing through the dark. The creaking of branches above them played tricks on them too, putting them in mind of sinister winged fiends waiting for the unsuspecting boys' attention to waver so they could descend and gouge out their eyes. Well, this was the type of thing Sirius had hoped for on this adventure, but so far they had encountered nothing but several uppity gnarled tree roots - two that had got Pete and one that had sent Sirius on a flying visit to the mulchy forest floor. He was sure there were still bits of rough dried leaf in his hair because every time he turned his head the usually soft swish of his longer-than-necessary locks was much more of a crunchy rustle.

'You did more than _flinch_ ,' James whinged at Remus as they continued down the dark winding path, 'clocked me square in the mouth more like. If that's what you do when you get a fright I'd hate to see you actually aim.'

'I really am sorry,' Remus said a little wretchedly. James's whining stopped immediately; he had obviously realised that the smaller boy was uncomfortable, as he always was when one of his more canine characteristics would spring to the surface. Sirius guessed that it was because his fear of discovery was so high - _the silly bugger,_ Sirius thought to himself. The images of a werewolf - big, brawny, and out of control - and of kind, quiet, weedy little Remus were so irreconcilable that even when Sirius and James had first come up with the theory of lycanthropy for his monthly absences the year before, they had laughed themselves into cramped balls of hysterical tears on the dormitory floor at the absurdity of the idea. Really, it was very unlikely that anyone else would make the connection.

'S'alright,' James said with a laugh and shoved Remus so he stumbled slightly. 'Now Pete has an even better story for his black eye – a barney with the great James Potter, and he even got a decent hit in,' he said with a grin, pointing to his reddened jaw.

Peter giggled, 'I think people would believe the forest story before one about me being able to beat you in a muggle duel - I can barely reach your face!'

'No one said anything about _beating_ me Pete! One fluke of a good shot, that's it!'

'Oh, well in that case.'

'Shhh,' Sirius hissed hurriedly; he had just heard a loud and ominous crunching coming from their left. A whisper of ' _Nox'_ whipped around the little group as they all extinguished their lit wand ends.

Sirius felt a hand grab his arm and tug, dragging him back against the broad trunk of the closest oak. It was obviously James, because a second later he said, 'Bend your knees,' as the slither of his invisibility cloak settled over the four of them.

They could no longer all be covered by the cloak while moving because they were approaching the size of teenagers. James and Sirius were anyway; Remus and Peter were yet to pass the other two boys' shoulders. But nevertheless, this meant that trying to stay concealed while walking was impossible, though they could still stay out of sight when immobile if the two taller boys crouched down.

The crunching was growing louder. As the boys pressed themselves into the trunk, it was hard to tell whose rapid breathing was whose; despite Sirius's earlier insistence that he wished for excitement and mortal peril, his heart was now pounding violently against his ribs and he didn't mind at all that James hadn't let go of his arm. A high-pitched eerie whistle drifted through the darkness from the same direction as the heavy crunching. Remus's arm twitched on Sirius's other side and he very nearly jumped. Then a flicker of light could be seen from the crunching whistling monster, a sickly yellow glow dodging randomly behind the striping of the forest trees.

'What do you reckon?' James said quietly into his ear, but Sirius had no time to answer.

There was suddenly a beastly call, like an enormous man-eating bird. It came from the same direction as the light, and then it was returned, only the returning call was much wilder and much, much more frightening. Worse, the answering caw came from _behind_ them. It was feral, and fierce-sounding, and as the cry repeated Sirius realised it was closing in. Whatever was making the horrible noise was nearly upon them.

There was the sound of footfalls – much lighter than the whistling cruncher – just a few yards behind the oak they were sheltering against, and Sirius sensed rather than heard Remus swear quietly before he made a sudden movement and a frightened squawk from Peter was cut off abruptly. Sirius couldn't see but he guessed it was by Remus's hand being slapped over his mouth.

James gave a sharp intake of breath and shuffled even closer to Sirius, and something was thudding softly past them; the cloak fluttered about his ankles and his vision seemed to waver slightly as the air moved in the wake of its passage, and the leaves and undergrowth trembled around them. Sirius stared out into the darkness. He could see his feet and the trunk of the next tree quite clearly now that his eyes had adjusted to the lack of light, but nothing was there - nothing that would cause the cloak to move, that could be heavy enough for its footsteps to be felt reverberating lightly through the leaf-strewn floor.

And then the most beautiful sound Sirius thought he had ever heard in his life broke the silence. 'There yeh are Tenebrus, took yeh long enough,' crooned the muted voice of Hagrid, and as the whistle that Sirius had thought creepy began again, he realised it was the giant man, whistling to himself - the tune sounded much less frightening when he knew the source. Sirius felt both James and Remus relax slightly either side of him. It was just the gamekeeper, just the very large but kindly gamekeeper out for a midnight stroll to talk to his animal friends in the forest.

'Come on,' Remus murmured from beside him, 'let's get out of here while he's busy.'

And so they did, sneaking away half-crouched, keeping the cloak covering them, if only to Sirius and James's knee-level, while they walked. It was just a precaution; Hagrid was a good twenty feet away in the pitch dark and distracted by his apparent fluffy bunny or so the doting tone of voice he spoke to _Tenebrus_ in seem to suggest. Ten minutes of walking in under-the-cloak fashion was quite enough for Sirius. They could no longer see Hagrid's light off in the distance behind them, so he threw the fabric off his shoulders and continued on. This was the normal run of things - James, Peter and Remus could all walk and stay hidden. It would have been the same if James opted out and Sirius stayed covered, but as James liked to point out, it was his cloak.

As the trees began to thin and brief patches of stars could be seen overhead again, Sirius could no longer keep quiet. 'What do you reckon that was?' he asked in anxious amazement.

'What what was?' asked Peter,

'The thing that passed us in the forest.' Sirius said. He knew that at least James had noticed it too, that he hadn't imagined it.

'I thought it was Hagrid,' Peter said confused and a little worriedly, 'it _wasn't_ Hagrid?'

'No… I mean the other thing,' Sirius said, feeling unsettled, then he asked quietly, 'do you think animals can come back as ghosts?'

James made an odd noise. 'I don't know, is that what you reckon it was?'

Sirius thought for a moment; it was the only explanation he could think of. 'Well it's more likely than an animal having an invisibility cloak don't you think?'

The other three gave little chuckles, which surprised Sirius; the feeling of whatever had walked by them as they hid had shaken him. He did not like the idea of spirit creatures. Before he could organise a counter argument that proved he was still sane - and of course, not at all scared - Sirius realised that the others had suddenly fallen silent. For a second he wondered why, but then he heard it: the crunching footsteps growing louder and louder as they approached. It was too late, Sirius realised, too late to duck back under the cloak; Hagrid had already seen him, or heard him at least, and Sirius being caught alone was much better than all four of them getting dropped in it.

Then there was swift movement from the direction the others were hiding in and Remus's voice said much too loudly, 'No Sirius, I think you'll find knarls much prefer bark to ferns for concealment. Let's look over here,' and the little werewolf flashed Sirius a wide grin that made him look quite insane, up-lit as he was by his wand. He whispered, 'This is what I was talking about this morning; just follow my lead.'

Sirius knew they were caught anyway, and was amused to see Remus willing to get into trouble voluntarily so he grinned back and nodded. He wasn't a big supporter of Remus's new tactic. After breakfast that morning, the werewolf had expounded on his theory that if he could spout off enough tedious but relevant information, then the teachers might become involved in the conversation and not punish them so heavily. Sirius thought that it much more likely that Remus would just end up in detention with him and James a lot more frequently, but he supposed they should try anything once. Remus began to talk again, suggesting that perhaps they should try somewhere different, as it was obvious that there were no knarls nearby, but Hagrid's voice interrupted him.

'What do yeh think yer doin out in in the middle of the night?' The giant man stood over them, extinguished lantern in one hand, and a vicious-looking oversized crossbow in the other. Sirius swallowed; he knew Hagrid was a peaceful man, but the vision he faced definitely suggested otherwise.

Remus gave a theatrical jump and stuttered, 'Oh Hagrid, er… I know we're not supposed to be, but Professor Kettleburn was telling us all about knarls last week…' Remus paused and drew a breath; it was a little shaky and Sirius had the feeling he was quite nervous about his new ploy, but when Remus spoke his voice was calm and natural sounding once more, 'but the one he had with him was so shy, so seeing as how they are nocturnal and he didn't want to show himself to us, I thought it would be best to come out and observe them in their natural habitat. Sirius was very interested too, so he came along... we weren't doing anything dangerous, we just wanted to get a good mark on our exam. Understanding magical creatures is so important, don't you think? I mean, I know the forest isn't the safest place at night, but we were just sticking close to the edge, and I know you would keep anything savage much closer to the centre, but it was the knarls…'

'Er…' Hagrid seemed at a loss. He looked from Remus and his wide-eyed expression of innocence to Sirius. Sirius was trying with all his might to match Remus's naive honesty but there was a very pressing snort of laughter trying to escape his lips - what on earth had gotten into Remus? This was the most insane gibberish Sirius had ever heard from his friend's mouth, though he'd assume it was, technically speaking, factually accurate – it would have to be, knowing Remus. And while it was extremely funny, it was hardly a better tactic for getting out of trouble than running - they could have been halfway back to their beds by now. He wondered if James and Peter were still with them or if they had taken the opportunity, as anyone with half a brain would, and scarpered as soon as Remus began his suicide mission.

'You must know quite a bit about knarls, Hagrid,' Remus was saying earnestly. 'Are we going about finding them the right way? Have you ever seen one near here?'

'Er… well, yer shouldn't be out here at all, Remus,' Hagrid frowned, then he gave a thoughtful nod, 'but I do know what yer mean, seeing a creature in class doesn' really give yer a true appreciation fer it.'

'Yes, it's frustrating isn't it?' Remus went on, 'We get tested on so much information, but we never really get to understand the animals.'

'Why knarls, then, Remus?' Hagrid asked curiously, setting his lantern on the ground and crouching down beside the boys. He pushed a fallen log aside with his meaty hand to reveal many squirming grubs and insects but no spiked rodents. 'I thought you third years were covering krups this week, most students seem to like them much better.'

'They are cute,' Remus said, 'but a bit boring wouldn't you say? Knarls are suspicious of strange behaviours, and people, and other knarls, but they're clever - much more time-worthy than puppies.'

Hagrid's dark eyes glinted with enthusiasm in the light of the lit wands, and Sirius had to turn away to hide his grin. 'Come along with me, yer two - it just so happens I've got a pair of knarls living in me veggie patch at the moment. It's their season yer see, yer won't find them wandering about the forest now, not when they have better things ter do with their time.'

Whether James and Peter followed them to Hagrid's hedgehog sex garden or were long gone, Sirius wasn't sure; he was too busy keeping a tight lid on the laughter that was constantly trying to escape from him, and trying to keep up with the striding pace Hagrid set in the direction of his hut. He was still talking enthusiastically to Remus who was scurrying along beside him deftly dodging to the side whenever Hagrid's massive crossbow would wave through the air as the large man gestured ardently about some point or other – Sirius wasn't really listening.

They obviously weren't going to get in trouble, which earned Remus's strategy one point, but there was a point against, since Sirius didn't particularly want to play peeping-tom to some lovestuck knarls. The only reason he'd want to stay, would be to ask Hagrid what he had been talking to in the forest, and if he knew there were ghost animals in there - but obviously he couldn't get an answer to either of those questions without revealing that they had been much further into the forest than Remus's homework story allowed, which would probably find them in actual trouble. He kept his lip buttoned and jogged along behind the odd pair - Remus barely reached Hagrid's waist and Sirius wondered if the werewolf would have a serious crick in his neck tomorrow from trying to keep the gamekeeper's face in view, not to mention watching out for the crossbow that swung in a deadly arc every few minutes.

* * *

It wasn't entirely unpleasant, Sirius thought as he sipped on his hot chocolate, but Remus and Hagrid's detailed discussion of hedgehog husbandry was a bit too much. Apparently Hagrid was quite concerned; knarls were becoming very scarce in the highlands due to their crippling mistrust of just about everything, including other knarls and most food sources, so the gamekeeper was trying to crossbreed them with muggle hedgehogs in the hope of toning down the suspicion gene. Sirius found it a little pervy that people would even consider being part of the dating lives of rodents, but he kept his mouth shut.

It had been late when they started to leave the forest, and it seemed like hours had gone by since, but Hagrid was completely unaware of the time, moving the conversation from knarl-care to a detailed description of how he once brought a trampled porlock back from the brink of death with nothing more than a well-placed poultice and promise of a new horse herd to protect. Suddenly, Sirius realised the flaw in Remus's plan. Hagrid might have been distracted from setting a punishment, but he was not going to be bored or confused into letting them go when the topic up for discussion was magical creatures. Sirius and Remus would be prisoners of politeness until dawn if he didn't change the subject soon, but his brain was not in the sharpest of conditions. As the time crept from three toward three-thirty in the morning, all Sirius could really think about was how much he wanted to be in bed, and not sitting at Hagrid's table with the copiously drooling head of a massive boarhound in his lap.

Mordeo was quite a frightening-looking specimen, with dangerously large teeth, Sirius thought distractedly as he rubbed the short hair of her forehead with his knuckles, but it seemed that the dog's worst weapon was the relatively tame ability of drowning her victims in vast oceans of saliva. 'Why did you call her Mordeo, Hagrid?' Sirius asked, when the gamekeeper finished his tale of the squished horse guardian, 'Doesn't that mean bite or attack?' _M_ _ergunt_ would be more apt, Sirius thought, as she looked up at him, obviously pleased with the amount of drool she had managed to cover his knee in.

'Dumbledore named her, actually,' Hagrid chortled, 'I think he liked the irony. Most normal folk wouldn't know - when did you learn Latin?'

Sirius grimaced - he hated the reminder that he was different from _normal folk -_ and he mumbled, 'I've been able to speak Latin since I can remember, one of the hazards of being a Black.'

Hagrid gave a little frown at his words, 'I guess so, though yeh'd never know you was a Black, save the face. Yeh much more pleasant than any of yeh cousins.' Sirius felt the embarrassment inside him recede and Hagrid added, 'besides, I've allus liked Gryffindors, much more interesting than them snakes.' Hagrid clapped him on the shoulder and Sirius only just stopped himself from going face-first into the table top. 'I was one meself yeh know,' Hagrid added proudly.

As Sirius righted himself there was a flicker of movement outside the nearest window. The curtains were drawn, but they didn't quite reach in the middle, and Sirius recognised the round worried face of Peter peering in at them. There was an almighty crash from the other side of the little house and Hagrid was in his feet in a second. 'What in the name of…' he growled, picking up his crossbow once more and opening the back door. 'Who's there?' he called roughly.

Then as the large man stepped out the back, the front door opened and Peter's voice hissed, 'Oi! Come on!'

Neither Sirius nor Remus needed telling twice - they darted towards the sound of Peter's voice and his disembodied hand suddenly appeared, beckoning to them as they rushed out the door. As they headed down the steps, James – obviously the source of the loud crash – came pelting around the corner of the hut, snagged Sirius around the middle and forced him to his knees. Peter's whispered 'shhh' cut off Sirius's complaints at the rough treatment, and then the cloak unfurled around them. Sirius could only see the slightly straining buttons of Peter's shirt, as his face was pressed into the pudgy tummy by what he guessed was James's backside, and they tried to remain still, quiet, and concealed despite the flood of light from Hagrid's front door. It was all a little over the top, he thought, as Peter breathed out and his gut pressed itself a little too intimately against Sirius's cheek. They might have been sleepy and a little bored, but this life-or-death rescue seemed a bit much.

A large shadow fell over them briefly and they heard Hagrid mutter to himself, 'Fer the best I suppose, lads should be abed at this hour,' before the door was closed soundly.

As Sirius's breathing began to return to normal, there was a snicker from above him, and James said petulantly, 'It's not funny, Remus! We've been out here for ages, trying to figure out a way to get you out of there!'

Remus continued to giggle to himself as they began to trudge back up the lawn towards the castle. 'Sorry James, but I told you I had a plan for getting out of trouble – and it worked, we didn't get a detention or anything, just some hot chocolate and a bit more information for our Care of Magical Creatures exam. How many people do you know who've been caught coming out of the forest at midnight, that have got off scot-free?'

'Is it scot-free though?' Sirius grumbled, a little annoyed that Remus had found their predicament so entertaining, 'Might just as well have been detention, stuck in there all bloody night with a lap full of dog drool.'

Remus just laughed even more. 'It might not have gone perfectly, but I think with a bit of practice it will work a treat. And besides,' he said wiping his eyes, 'it was your fault we got caught in the first place.'

' _What?'_ Sirius spluttered, 'No! You're the one who started talking –'

Remus stated to object, but James cut them both off. 'Good _grief_ , can we just go to bed? You can decide whose fault it was tomorrow.'

'Good idea,' Remus sniggered, 'we will. And then Sirius can apologise for making you and Pete worry, since it was his.'

Sirius met James's eyes in the darkness. Poor Remus had had gone insane, what a pity.


End file.
